March 11, 2012
At this point, I've pretty much told everyone near and dear to me what's going on. There are still a few friends out there who I haven't had the opportunity (or desire) to tell so I'm gradually getting the news out. I've found that while I'm settling more and more each day about the whole situation, I still get a bit anxious about telling other people. Somehow sharing the news for the first time with someone makes it feel like I'm getting the news for the first time all over again. And then there's the uncertainty of not knowing how someone will react.
I've found that the responses tend to fall somewhere between "oh-my-gosh-how-terrible-are-you-going-to-die" and the much cooler "well, at least it's not cancer." To be fair, I'm not sure how I would react if one of my friends came up to me and dropped such news, so I've done my best to accept all of these reactions in stride and not let them sway me one way or the other. The only time I seem to have an issue is when I come across people who tell me exactly how I should be responding and what I should be feeling. If the news takes you by surprise and you're a little knocked off kilter, that's certainly okay by me. If you're the optimistic type and have an encouraging word, that's even better. But it really gets me when I share the news with someone and their immediate response is a detailed set of instructions on How to Properly Deal with Having a Brain Tumor.
I understand that this approach is usually borne out of a desire to be of assistance and somehow seize control of an completely uncontrollable situation. However, I find it extremely irritating. I'm not the kind to get riled easily but please, until you've been in my situation refrain from telling me how I should be conducting myself. I'm doing the best I can and whether I'm having a down moment or feeling incredibly resilient, I'm certainly entitled to both. If I need a moment to complain or shed a tear, don't tell me that it's not a big deal and that I'm overreacting. And if I'm having a great day and feeling confident that all will go well, don't tell me that I'm being unrealistic.
I have no doubt that I've been guilty of doing this same thing to others in the past and I will freely admit that I'm a control freak and a definite Type A personality. I'm learning along with everyone else that some situations are just out of our hands and there is no magic solution or "right way" to respond. And in terms of my faith, it's definitely forcing me to rely a lot more on God than on my own measly ability to fix things.
I guess I've said all this just to say that right now a listening ear is worth far more to me than a mouthful of "shoulds" and "should-nots."
I've found that the responses tend to fall somewhere between "oh-my-gosh-how-terrible-are-you-going-to-die" and the much cooler "well, at least it's not cancer." To be fair, I'm not sure how I would react if one of my friends came up to me and dropped such news, so I've done my best to accept all of these reactions in stride and not let them sway me one way or the other. The only time I seem to have an issue is when I come across people who tell me exactly how I should be responding and what I should be feeling. If the news takes you by surprise and you're a little knocked off kilter, that's certainly okay by me. If you're the optimistic type and have an encouraging word, that's even better. But it really gets me when I share the news with someone and their immediate response is a detailed set of instructions on How to Properly Deal with Having a Brain Tumor.
I understand that this approach is usually borne out of a desire to be of assistance and somehow seize control of an completely uncontrollable situation. However, I find it extremely irritating. I'm not the kind to get riled easily but please, until you've been in my situation refrain from telling me how I should be conducting myself. I'm doing the best I can and whether I'm having a down moment or feeling incredibly resilient, I'm certainly entitled to both. If I need a moment to complain or shed a tear, don't tell me that it's not a big deal and that I'm overreacting. And if I'm having a great day and feeling confident that all will go well, don't tell me that I'm being unrealistic.
I have no doubt that I've been guilty of doing this same thing to others in the past and I will freely admit that I'm a control freak and a definite Type A personality. I'm learning along with everyone else that some situations are just out of our hands and there is no magic solution or "right way" to respond. And in terms of my faith, it's definitely forcing me to rely a lot more on God than on my own measly ability to fix things.
I guess I've said all this just to say that right now a listening ear is worth far more to me than a mouthful of "shoulds" and "should-nots."
Oh, Amanda .....
ReplyDeleteYou have expressed so eloquently what I have felt in my AN journey. It is such a personal journey and no one can truthfully understand it but ourselves ..... not even other AN patients. You are right on target with your feelings, my dear!
Clarice (from the ANA Forum)
Thank you, Clarice. I didn't want to offend anyone but I started this blog with the intent of discussing all of my thoughts and feelings regardless. I think it's important to give an honest perspective, especially to help new AN patients who will come after me. I certainly don't want to sugarcoat anything or paint a terrifying picture...just describe the ups and downs of the whole journey.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and commenting! :)
Thank you for sharing your experience ... I can certainly relate as I am struggling with my own acceptance of my AN ( diagnosed about 6 weeks ago) ... I'm 36 and will have the tumor removed in Sydney next Thursday ... It is so nice to no I am " not alone" as it can often feel late at night when I can't sleep!
ReplyDeleteI am mostly remaining positive ;) with my main concern post op recovery ... Dreading being "out of circulation" for any length of time !!
Thanks again and I will continue to follow your blog - take care
I'm glad this little blog can be of help to you! It can feel really lonely sometimes and it's great to seek out others who are in your shoes and truly know what you're going through. Friends and family can only understand so much sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI wish you all the best with your surgery next Thursday and will pray for a complication-free surgery and a speedy recovery for you.
(I see you're from Sydney! Whereabouts? When I as there, I lived and worked at Abbotsleigh in Wahroonga and went to school at Macquarie University in North Ryde.)
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and I will certainly do the same for you :) any questions you may have for me - fire away - especially as I will be " experienced" in a few days ;)
ReplyDeleteI actually live in Dubbo five hours west of Sydney although I know all of the areas you speak off, my brother lives in the Lane Cove area ( which is handy for visits to Sydney and for accommodation before and after op) ! And as you might know Sydney is our "go too" if we want to go to concerts etc
Sydney is a gorgeous city I hope you enjoyed your time in Australia and thanks again for your fabbo blog - an honest representation of this ride we are on :)
I'll definitely have to take you up on your offer. I'm always pestering other AN-ers who have already "made it to the other side." Which surgery are you having (translab, retro, mid fossa)?
ReplyDeleteA few of my boarders were from Dubbo! And yes, I loved living down there. I'll definitely have to make a trip back someday.