March 3, 2012
Today I received my free informational packet from the Acoustic Neuroma Association. I recently registered on their discussion forum and on their general website and part of the deal was getting the free packet. I'm not quite sure what kind of information I was expecting it to contain, but I was certainly surprised by the extensiveness of this organization. They have a newsletter, support groups all over the country, pamphlets, a network of AN "survivors" you can contact, I mean the works.
I spent a good chunk of last evening perusing the material and came away with mixed feelings. (Isn't this always the case with me?) Part of me was happy for the information and the reassurance that there were countless other people who are (and have been) in my situation, the other part of me was like "Whoa buddy, it's just an acoustic neuroma. Do we really need all of this?" Granted, this may have something to do with my tendency to be something of a loner and a bottler. I've never really been one to rely heavily on or confide in others. But when I read this quote from a fellow AN patient, I won't lie, I did laugh just a little. It was something along the lines of, "These support groups give people hope and reassure them that life after an AN is possible." Horribly insensitive of me, I know, but it just seemed a tad melodramatic. I mean it's just a slow growing, benign tumor. It's not cancer. There's an extremely low chance of it actually killing me. Why all the fuss?
Now maybe my seemingly cavalier attitude is just me being in denial. Or maybe it's just how I deal with stressful situations. Or maybe it's because I've already lost my hearing (which along with facial paralysis seem to be the two huge concerns with a neuroma). I'm not quite sure. I mean, I do feel like I've been waging a bit of an internal war with myself these past few weeks trying to find a happy medium. I seem to be on a bit of a pendulum swing where one day this tumor is "A VERY BIG DEAL!" and the next it's just an unfortunate inconvenience that'll I'll deal with and shortly get over. So when have you taken it too far and when have you not gone far enough? I think it ultimately will vary from person to person. I mean neither hysteria nor denial are healthy options, but we all deal with stressful situations differently. The most important things is to keep a clear, realistic perspective of the situation and find methods of coping that work for you. One person may in fact need to join a local support group, another person (like me) might just need a creative outlet to sort through the situation and keep a clear head. (I do also love ANA's Discussion Forum. It is a great source of helpful information and support.) I don't think either reaction is better than the other or more appropriate.
Yet personalities aside, I do think time is the ultimate moderator of emotions. For me, as the weeks continue to pass the big deal-ness of it all is starting to fade and I feel that I can now think about and discuss the situation rationally (at least, in my humble opinion). Sure, I'm not at all excited about having brain surgery or having to take a couple weeks out of my life to recoup but I'm most certainly not the emotional basket case I was a few weeks ago. These feelings are bound to fluctuate of course (as I'm sure you've already noticed over the course of this blog) but I've decided that this tumor is not going to ruin or run my life. I will do my best to give it only the attention it deserves and no more.
(Please feel free to remind me of this statement as my surgery date draws closer and I once again become said emotional basket case.) :)
I spent a good chunk of last evening perusing the material and came away with mixed feelings. (Isn't this always the case with me?) Part of me was happy for the information and the reassurance that there were countless other people who are (and have been) in my situation, the other part of me was like "Whoa buddy, it's just an acoustic neuroma. Do we really need all of this?" Granted, this may have something to do with my tendency to be something of a loner and a bottler. I've never really been one to rely heavily on or confide in others. But when I read this quote from a fellow AN patient, I won't lie, I did laugh just a little. It was something along the lines of, "These support groups give people hope and reassure them that life after an AN is possible." Horribly insensitive of me, I know, but it just seemed a tad melodramatic. I mean it's just a slow growing, benign tumor. It's not cancer. There's an extremely low chance of it actually killing me. Why all the fuss?
Now maybe my seemingly cavalier attitude is just me being in denial. Or maybe it's just how I deal with stressful situations. Or maybe it's because I've already lost my hearing (which along with facial paralysis seem to be the two huge concerns with a neuroma). I'm not quite sure. I mean, I do feel like I've been waging a bit of an internal war with myself these past few weeks trying to find a happy medium. I seem to be on a bit of a pendulum swing where one day this tumor is "A VERY BIG DEAL!" and the next it's just an unfortunate inconvenience that'll I'll deal with and shortly get over. So when have you taken it too far and when have you not gone far enough? I think it ultimately will vary from person to person. I mean neither hysteria nor denial are healthy options, but we all deal with stressful situations differently. The most important things is to keep a clear, realistic perspective of the situation and find methods of coping that work for you. One person may in fact need to join a local support group, another person (like me) might just need a creative outlet to sort through the situation and keep a clear head. (I do also love ANA's Discussion Forum. It is a great source of helpful information and support.) I don't think either reaction is better than the other or more appropriate.
Yet personalities aside, I do think time is the ultimate moderator of emotions. For me, as the weeks continue to pass the big deal-ness of it all is starting to fade and I feel that I can now think about and discuss the situation rationally (at least, in my humble opinion). Sure, I'm not at all excited about having brain surgery or having to take a couple weeks out of my life to recoup but I'm most certainly not the emotional basket case I was a few weeks ago. These feelings are bound to fluctuate of course (as I'm sure you've already noticed over the course of this blog) but I've decided that this tumor is not going to ruin or run my life. I will do my best to give it only the attention it deserves and no more.
(Please feel free to remind me of this statement as my surgery date draws closer and I once again become said emotional basket case.) :)
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