March 20, 2012
I've never gotten on board with the whole vampire trend that seems to have taken pop culture by storm. The movies, the TV shows, the t-shirts, the fascination with fangs and bloodlust and pale skin that sparkles in the sunlight. Yup. Never understood it. So I feel awkward admitting that I've been feeling slightly vampiric this past month. Not in the "I'm-just-dying-for-a-swig-of-Type A positive" kind of way, more along the lines of "I'm-up-at-all-awkward-hours-of-the-night." (Admittedly, a terribly cheesy comparison but points for attempting to make this blog less dry?)
So, I've been falling into this annoying pattern of functioning perfectly normally during the day and then re-hashing the entire AN situation every night at lights out. I'm assuming that amidst all of my daily goings-on my brain simply doesn't have the time or energy to work itself into a tizzy. But it seems as though every time my head hits the pillow, my brain flips its little AN switch and the thoughts flow unbidden. It's never really one thought in particular. Sometimes it'll just be an overwhelming sense of dread or me speculating how the surgery will play out (or not!) or creating scenarios for different complications I may face during recovery. They run the gamut, but they're all unpleasant. It's not as if I completely ignore the situation during the day either. I'll do research or hop on the ANA forum or type up these jazzy little blogs and be entirely positive about the whole thing. It's not until the sun sets that things take a turn for the sinister...(sorry, I'm totally done now)
I've tried relaxing music and meditation and distraction and so far it appears Iggy is on a winning streak. And of course the more I try not to think about him, the more I do. Sleep does kick in after a requisite hour or so of "Igg-xiety" (heehee), but I want that hour after a long day. The only thing that seems to help is to knock myself out with Benadryl or Nyquil (not the best solution as I tend to be entirely incoherent for the next 12 hours).
Thankfully, rehearsals for Chicago start on Monday and once I get swept up in all the craziness that putting on a full-scale musical in less than a month entails, I have high hopes for calmer nights. Or at least nights obsessing over lines and choreography instead of brain tumors.
Are than any other ANers out there who want to share their ways of coping with pre-op anxiety?
So, I've been falling into this annoying pattern of functioning perfectly normally during the day and then re-hashing the entire AN situation every night at lights out. I'm assuming that amidst all of my daily goings-on my brain simply doesn't have the time or energy to work itself into a tizzy. But it seems as though every time my head hits the pillow, my brain flips its little AN switch and the thoughts flow unbidden. It's never really one thought in particular. Sometimes it'll just be an overwhelming sense of dread or me speculating how the surgery will play out (or not!) or creating scenarios for different complications I may face during recovery. They run the gamut, but they're all unpleasant. It's not as if I completely ignore the situation during the day either. I'll do research or hop on the ANA forum or type up these jazzy little blogs and be entirely positive about the whole thing. It's not until the sun sets that things take a turn for the sinister...(sorry, I'm totally done now)
I've tried relaxing music and meditation and distraction and so far it appears Iggy is on a winning streak. And of course the more I try not to think about him, the more I do. Sleep does kick in after a requisite hour or so of "Igg-xiety" (heehee), but I want that hour after a long day. The only thing that seems to help is to knock myself out with Benadryl or Nyquil (not the best solution as I tend to be entirely incoherent for the next 12 hours).
Thankfully, rehearsals for Chicago start on Monday and once I get swept up in all the craziness that putting on a full-scale musical in less than a month entails, I have high hopes for calmer nights. Or at least nights obsessing over lines and choreography instead of brain tumors.
Are than any other ANers out there who want to share their ways of coping with pre-op anxiety?
I don't know if this is a coping strategy per se, but I concentrated on the fact that tomorrow always comes, that the day after surgery would arrive, too, and thought about how good that would feel in the sense that the surgery was behind me. Once committed to the surgery, my anxiety lessened over the 6 week wait. Hemingway wrote that courage is suspending the functioning of the imagination. It is easy and normal to imagine the dire complications of AN surgery, but rationally you know those dire complications are rare in the hands of a good surgeon, and the not so dire ones are usually temporary. AN surgery is demanding for the surgeon and the patient, but my outcome was good and I believe yours will be, too. Good luck, and thanks for your blog. I admire good writing and you write well.
ReplyDeleteYou're completely right. I do have to take it just one day at a time and realize that regardless of what may or may not happen life goes on and tomorrow always comes. I did feel such a huge relief once I had made the decision to go ahead with the surgery and now I just need to rest in that decision and let things take their course.
ReplyDeleteI do love that sentiment from Hemingway you posted. That's definitely a keeper for me! Thank you so much for sharing it. I will certainly try to keep that in mind as the countdown to my surgery continues. And for my life in general. I've always had a bit of an overactive imagination, which is great for acting and writing, not so much for stressful situations.
Thanks again and glad you enjoy the blog! :)