4 weeks post op!

Happy one month ANniversary to me! This is the milestone I've been waiting for. Everyone--my doctors, other AN-ers, my dad--told me that the four week mark was when I would really start to feel like myself again. And, for the most part, I do. My balance is still not 100% and my right eye still doesn't close entirely or tear, but now I can attempt to start driving and begin to be more active. Now I can take those first steps to re-entering my life.

Certainly exciting times! So is it weird that part of me is just the slightest bit terrified? I've lived a sheltered existence these past four weeks. Outside of my weekly trips to therapy and the Cleveland Clinic, I haven't really left the house. I know there'll be reactions to my hair (or lack thereof). Perhaps the occasional double-take or stare that lasts a couple seconds too long. I know I'll have to field questions about my general well-being and requests to re-hash the last four weeks in vivid detail. I may even have to walk a few straight lines heel-toe just to assure concerned parties that I can ambulate safely. Goodness, it sounds exhausting just typing it.

Guess I'll have to keep in mind what my mom told me a few nights ago. It was nearly dinnertime and I was stationed in my usual spot at the kitchen counter (possibly working on a craft, most likely sneaking pre-dinner "samples") and my mom was fluttering about finishing up the meal. We weren't really conversing so I was surprised when, out of the blue, she says, "You know, Amanda, you've been handling this whole situation really well. I mean, considering all that you've been through, you've done a great job." Then she went back to seasoning the green beans.

Can I just say, I felt like the inside of a S'more. Gooey, warm and sweet. And, at the same time, incredibly tough. Like I was David and had just knocked Goliath a new one square between the eyes. Such a simple statement, yet it did wonders for my attitude.

Gooey

Sometimes in the midst of all the chaos you begin to doubt yourself. Maybe you aren't as resilient as you thought. Perhaps, instead of the courageous self you imagined you would be in the face of conflict, there seems to be only the fatigued, irritable version of you. Maybe you aren't handling the situation with the strength of character you had hoped. I'll admit that all of these things have run through my head at some point over the last four weeks. Especially when I've had a particularly wearying day.

Sympathy is easy enough to come by when you're facing a difficult time. There is no shortage of those wishing you well and hoping for the best. And I can say from experience what a blessing it is to be surrounded by the compassion of others. But there's something about going beyond just sympathy and acknowledging that, yes, you've had a rough time of it lately BUT you are dealing with your struggle admirably that reinvigorates you to keep on pushing forward.

The comments that you each leave on this blog certainly fall into that latter category, giving me that extra "umph" to keep going. I hope that I can, in turn, reach out and return the favor to my fellow AN-ers and to anyone facing a hardship.

ȍȌȍTURTLE TRACKSȍȌȍ

• The fluid on my hip has finally re-absorbed. Now I have one extremely bony hip and one, well, not so much.
• Now that my head is flat again, I've been attempting to sleep on my right side. It's a gradual process. The first few times I rolled over onto that side I immediately rolled right back. It wasn't painful necessarily, it just felt like there was too much skull and not enough skin to stretch across it. My newly bony hip also protested. I think the lack of cushioning and the fact that Dr. Woodson spent a good deal of time digging around in there looking for fat has left it a little worse for wear. However, I've been spending a little more time each night sleeping on it and so far there have been no ill effects.
• I've been off the steroids for over a week now and, boy, can I tell. I'm not a complete zombie but I can't make it through the day without my afternoon nap/rest period. On Wednesday, after my therapy session and a brisk walk through the woods, I barely made it to the couch before passing out for an hour. 
• My arms. (sigh) I think they're a bit straighter? Maybe? They're still as stiff as a board and I still spend a good chunk of each day applying heat and stretching them. C'mon guys! It's been a month already...
• I drove for the first time! It wasn't nearly as terrifying as I had thought it would be. Looking back and forth, changing lanes, and checking my mirrors takes an extra ounce of concentration, but it's doable if I take my time. Highway driving is definitely still a few weeks off. I think we'll all be safer if I stick to my two mile runs to Wal-Mart for the time being. 
• My taste buds are up and running again. Chipotle, here I come!!